Some "Finally" 's

You know it's been a little longer than already too long when it takes you a good 30 seconds along with a drawn out 'oh, uh..' to remember your password to even attempt to write something down here.
But, now that I've gotten through the first obstacle, I think it may just be time to fill in some empty spaces, or at least that's how I picture it in my head.

Today will be a caps day, as well as a grammatically correct day.
If you see a grammatical error:
a) feel free to laugh at the fact that I missed it
b) bite your tongue and let me revel in my attempted perfection in the grammatical world



Did any one else know that the saying is "the bane of my existence"?Up until today, I was under the impression that it was "the pain of my existence".
It always catches me offguard when something that I thought was right, turns out to be incorrect, or requires a change to be made.
What a great spot for a segue.
However, I think I'll just leave that one to resonate on it's own.



I think it's time for me to repudiate any past theories I may have come up with, plans I thought were brilliant at the time, or things I've written, thinking that they have the potential to have a larger effect on situations than they really do.
I'm starting to come to terms with the concept that maybe we shouldn't try to have an effect on a situation, but rather, allow certain situations to affect us.
It's become apparent to me in the past few days that things can change in a matter of seconds. Certain things you witness can entirely change an otherwise solidified opinion, or perhaps the more correct way I could refer to said opinion is as an assumption.

I think I'll just leave this with some final thoughts.
Sometimes it's not about figuring things out,
or calling a truce,
or even finding a replacement for what was lost.
It's about being okay with not neccessarily understanding everything, acknowledging that you've tried to fix things, and then leaving it be.



I always feel like I need a closing comment.
Time to get over that.

of course i remember.

i need to take a day off from life right about now.
i think i'll do that tomorrow.
done.

everything is a countdown, i've discovered.

1 month

5 minutes

11 months

2 hours

2 years

5 days.
scratch that, 4 days.

it's decision time all around.

time to take action on the things that i've been thinking about.

and, depending on outcomes, turn to my back up plans.

but really, in all honesty, i don't have very good back up plans,

because i always know exactly what i want, and if i don't get that then i have to scramble to figure out what else i could possibly want - because no one likes to not know.

which brings me to this week.

now the question is: back up plan or no back up plan,
because back up plans are never very good.
it's always just settling,
and no good ever seems to come from that.



i did this all in my own time,
and now that time seems to be running out maybe i'll stick with my deadline.
i'm not so sure i know what's best for myself this time.



this makes me happy.

worn me down like a road.

dear me,

i think i might snap and say it all.

signed,
a very uncharacteristic side of me.




re: hello me,

keep your mouth shut
keep your mouth shut
keep your mouth shut.

-me.





i'm officially in love with a fictional character,
this could be a problem.

"hot damn"




find a way to be okay with not being anywhere at all.

(i want a contrast)



"but it felt so real"



never what i want
never what i expect
never what i think i need

well, apparently i was wrong.






i'm leaving this very unfinished.

caught in suspension

This Week's Playlist:
Elephant - Damien Rice
Do You Know (Ping Pong Song) - Enrique Iglesias
All The Fish In the Sea Are Stupid Sluts Anyway - Big Japan
Stay or Leave - Dave Matthews

wishing on 11:11 is more for the sole purpose of solidifying what you want in your own mind than actually expecting an outcome to be determined by a simple act of muttering a few words during an interval of 60 seconds.
parallel: santa clause is not real, sorry to burst your bubble. however, i still continue to lay out cookies and milk and carrots (for the reindeer) every christmas eve just for the sake of it. and possibly just for the satisfaction of knowing that my parents will have to eat them even if they don't want to because yes i will check for crumbs in the milk and count the fricken cookies in the jar if i have to.
why do my parallels always turn into a rant rather than make the point i originally intended them to make..

"i keep this as a constant reminder"
wow, those constant reminders tend to kick you in the ass on your way out the door if you know what i mean
why is it that we can never even begin to notice we're making a mistake until a long time after the fact

this was supposed to be a bit simpler than it's turning out to be
space
little details should not have this much impact
needing an outlet here, really

everything can get turned around by one simple action
i need to want something on my own, not have things pushed at me by my parents or anyone else
or, sometimes if i do want something, and then my parents try to push it at me..all of a sudden it's not so appealing anymore, in fact.. i downright want to get as far away from set idea as is physically possible,
kind of ruins it if you have something good going on

i hate the fact that all i'm doing is complaining,
and i've been trying my hardest to just overlook stuff that's going on inside this head of mine,
but i'm definitely missing that one joker card that trumps everything else,
..it would seriously come in handy right about now

university topic: co-ed floors, including co-ed bathrooms
thoughts, people?
you had better hope your towel doesn't slip on the way out

revelation:
i need to get a boyfriend or a new pair of heels,
either will do.

it's always the same.

invincible, or something like that.

patience.
follow-through.

"God, what's his face? Built like a beanpole, curly hair, runs away like a little bitch on a sailboat leaving nothing but a note for his girlfriend who cried and cried over him till the Fourth of July when she decided she doesn't cry over bitches on boats."
"Seth. His name. It's Seth."
"I know. I'm just doing that thing where I pretend I don't and I have to use a lot of descriptive insults to give voice to my inner pain."

sometimes catching someone's eye is the worst thing that can happen.
either they give you this look that you read way too much into,
or they try to convey something through that one look, and only on the rare occasion do you actually interpret it correctly.
guessing is fun, no?
no.

sometimes you just have to stop thinking.
and when i say you i mean me.
because that's really all i'm doing here.. trying to make things visual for myself
so here's to what i've been trying to do for so long..
stop thinking.
here comes an attempt to just leave it behind and take some chances.
i have a feeling this isn't going to work out so well..
that's kind of what i'm going for.

all it is is reassurance afterall.