sit still.

caught up in this vast sea of
indefinites
incomrehensibles
inaudible responses
independence
in a mind that i could never recognize as my own.

in a moment where the structures that you have fought so hard to assemble begin to cleave from their foundations - not ones of values, or strong holds, but of something abstruse.
with a swift tug and innocent motives,
it can all be unleashed.

it's not an epiphany,
it's not.
it is, however, a realization of
where i'm at
where i don't want to reside any longer
and what i need to do in order to fight the force of gravity.
that's right, "i".
after all, that is the essential part of this post, the thoughts that have proceeded to take over every aspect of my life for the past hundred days or so, and the only one whom i can put this on.

one letter can make all the difference.

a valiant effort, it will take, no doubt.
but i've discovered that if you want to make a change in yourself, then that's the key right there.
time to take the reigns.



i'm given far too much credit,
and lack the ability to give myself hardly any at all.
perhaps this tips the scale back to the equilibrium that is so desired..

but i doubt it.



"frame by frame, red speed ahead
a city dissolving, the thread of your love in the headlights
is it safe now .. will your arms be open?
i just have to kiss you, try and stop me
closing in, i hope that you make it
closing in, i hope that you find your way"






i could go for some of -



- this right about now.









i need some new post it notes.

numbers numbers numbers.




for you
i'm not sure that i'll ever be certain.
just give me a second to catch up,
alright.
now get to the very back of my mind,
thanks.

for me
breathe.

for them
i need to come to terms with my answer before i will ever succumb to (pitiful) schemes, threats, bribes, and whatever else your minds come up with in order to figure out my answer.
oh god..



this is how it's supposed to be.



i've been meaning to post this for awhile.
no, that's not true.
i've been debating whether i'm ok with posting this for awhile:

[this is one of those hanging in the balance moments, or extended periods of time, rather
when i'm neither here nor there
but rather at this inbetween stage of uncertainty on all accounts
where it's impossible to call the shots and where indecisiveness rules above all else.
such a habitat is, unfortunately, the classic breeding ground for despair, longing, desperation, fantasy, and spans out to include rash action.
for the longest time it included everything up to rash thought, not rational thought, which is highly unfortunate,
hence the seemingly unavoidable timer in my head for something i will later (or immediately) regret being destined to ring,
and always at a most unconvenient time.

so here's to being that kid in the cartoon who finds himself as the only exception in a room full of people when time stops for a split second.
the one who takes the opportunity to make a fool out of someone else when all return back to the former state of reality that said victim was never even aware that they were away from.
it is at this point that a bewildered person then questions how something (most likely significant, and yet greatly apparent to the audience) was meddled with unbeknownst to them.
hello, i am said meddler.
here's to when the second hand starts it's familiar ticking again.]




see, i kept my promise.

Some "Finally" 's

You know it's been a little longer than already too long when it takes you a good 30 seconds along with a drawn out 'oh, uh..' to remember your password to even attempt to write something down here.
But, now that I've gotten through the first obstacle, I think it may just be time to fill in some empty spaces, or at least that's how I picture it in my head.

Today will be a caps day, as well as a grammatically correct day.
If you see a grammatical error:
a) feel free to laugh at the fact that I missed it
b) bite your tongue and let me revel in my attempted perfection in the grammatical world



Did any one else know that the saying is "the bane of my existence"?Up until today, I was under the impression that it was "the pain of my existence".
It always catches me offguard when something that I thought was right, turns out to be incorrect, or requires a change to be made.
What a great spot for a segue.
However, I think I'll just leave that one to resonate on it's own.



I think it's time for me to repudiate any past theories I may have come up with, plans I thought were brilliant at the time, or things I've written, thinking that they have the potential to have a larger effect on situations than they really do.
I'm starting to come to terms with the concept that maybe we shouldn't try to have an effect on a situation, but rather, allow certain situations to affect us.
It's become apparent to me in the past few days that things can change in a matter of seconds. Certain things you witness can entirely change an otherwise solidified opinion, or perhaps the more correct way I could refer to said opinion is as an assumption.

I think I'll just leave this with some final thoughts.
Sometimes it's not about figuring things out,
or calling a truce,
or even finding a replacement for what was lost.
It's about being okay with not neccessarily understanding everything, acknowledging that you've tried to fix things, and then leaving it be.



I always feel like I need a closing comment.
Time to get over that.

of course i remember.

i need to take a day off from life right about now.
i think i'll do that tomorrow.
done.

everything is a countdown, i've discovered.

1 month

5 minutes

11 months

2 hours

2 years

5 days.
scratch that, 4 days.

it's decision time all around.

time to take action on the things that i've been thinking about.

and, depending on outcomes, turn to my back up plans.

but really, in all honesty, i don't have very good back up plans,

because i always know exactly what i want, and if i don't get that then i have to scramble to figure out what else i could possibly want - because no one likes to not know.

which brings me to this week.

now the question is: back up plan or no back up plan,
because back up plans are never very good.
it's always just settling,
and no good ever seems to come from that.



i did this all in my own time,
and now that time seems to be running out maybe i'll stick with my deadline.
i'm not so sure i know what's best for myself this time.



this makes me happy.

worn me down like a road.

dear me,

i think i might snap and say it all.

signed,
a very uncharacteristic side of me.




re: hello me,

keep your mouth shut
keep your mouth shut
keep your mouth shut.

-me.





i'm officially in love with a fictional character,
this could be a problem.

"hot damn"




find a way to be okay with not being anywhere at all.

(i want a contrast)



"but it felt so real"



never what i want
never what i expect
never what i think i need

well, apparently i was wrong.






i'm leaving this very unfinished.

caught in suspension

This Week's Playlist:
Elephant - Damien Rice
Do You Know (Ping Pong Song) - Enrique Iglesias
All The Fish In the Sea Are Stupid Sluts Anyway - Big Japan
Stay or Leave - Dave Matthews

wishing on 11:11 is more for the sole purpose of solidifying what you want in your own mind than actually expecting an outcome to be determined by a simple act of muttering a few words during an interval of 60 seconds.
parallel: santa clause is not real, sorry to burst your bubble. however, i still continue to lay out cookies and milk and carrots (for the reindeer) every christmas eve just for the sake of it. and possibly just for the satisfaction of knowing that my parents will have to eat them even if they don't want to because yes i will check for crumbs in the milk and count the fricken cookies in the jar if i have to.
why do my parallels always turn into a rant rather than make the point i originally intended them to make..

"i keep this as a constant reminder"
wow, those constant reminders tend to kick you in the ass on your way out the door if you know what i mean
why is it that we can never even begin to notice we're making a mistake until a long time after the fact

this was supposed to be a bit simpler than it's turning out to be
space
little details should not have this much impact
needing an outlet here, really

everything can get turned around by one simple action
i need to want something on my own, not have things pushed at me by my parents or anyone else
or, sometimes if i do want something, and then my parents try to push it at me..all of a sudden it's not so appealing anymore, in fact.. i downright want to get as far away from set idea as is physically possible,
kind of ruins it if you have something good going on

i hate the fact that all i'm doing is complaining,
and i've been trying my hardest to just overlook stuff that's going on inside this head of mine,
but i'm definitely missing that one joker card that trumps everything else,
..it would seriously come in handy right about now

university topic: co-ed floors, including co-ed bathrooms
thoughts, people?
you had better hope your towel doesn't slip on the way out

revelation:
i need to get a boyfriend or a new pair of heels,
either will do.