green eyes

sit still.

2008-02-28T17:08:00.000-08:00

caught up in this vast sea of
indefinites
incomrehensibles
inaudible responses
independence
in a mind that i could never recognize as my own.

in a moment where the structures that you have fought so hard to assemble begin to cleave from their foundations - not ones of values, or strong holds, but of something abstruse.
with a swift tug and innocent motives,
it can all be unleashed.

it's not an epiphany,
it's not.
it is, however, a realization of
where i'm at
where i don't want to reside any longer
and what i need to do in order to fight the force of gravity.
that's right, "i".
after all, that is the essential part of this post, the thoughts that have proceeded to take over every aspect of my life for the past hundred days or so, and the only one whom i can put this on.

one letter can make all the difference.

a valiant effort, it will take, no doubt.
but i've discovered that if you want to make a change in yourself, then that's the key right there.
time to take the reigns.

i'm given far too much credit,
and lack the ability to give myself hardly any at all.
perhaps this tips the scale back to the equilibrium that is so desired..

but i doubt it.

"frame by frame, red speed ahead
a city dissolving, the thread of your love in the headlights
is it safe now .. will your arms be open?
i just have to kiss you, try and stop me
closing in, i hope that you make it
closing in, i hope that you find your way"

i could go for some of -

- this right about now.

i need some new post it notes.

2008-01-05T12:57:00.000-08:00

numbers numbers numbers.

for you
i'm not sure that i'll ever be certain.
just give me a second to catch up,
alright.
now get to the very back of my mind,
thanks.

for me
breathe.

for them
i need to come to terms with my answer before i will ever succumb to (pitiful) schemes, threats, bribes, and whatever else your minds come up with in order to figure out my answer.
oh god..

this is how it's supposed to be.

i've been meaning to post this for awhile.
no, that's not true.
i've been debating whether i'm ok with posting this for awhile:

[this is one of those hanging in the balance moments, or extended periods of time, rather
when i'm neither here nor there
but rather at this inbetween stage of uncertainty on all accounts
where it's impossible to call the shots and where indecisiveness rules above all else.
such a habitat is, unfortunately, the classic breeding ground for despair, longing, desperation, fantasy, and spans out to include rash action.
for the longest time it included everything up to rash thought, not rational thought, which is highly unfortunate,
hence the seemingly unavoidable timer in my head for something i will later (or immediately) regret being destined to ring,
and always at a most unconvenient time.

so here's to being that kid in the cartoon who finds himself as the only exception in a room full of people when time stops for a split second.
the one who takes the opportunity to make a fool out of someone else when all return back to the former state of reality that said victim was never even aware that they were away from.
it is at this point that a bewildered person then questions how something (most likely significant, and yet greatly apparent to the audience) was meddled with unbeknownst to them.
hello, i am said meddler.
here's to when the second hand starts it's familiar ticking again.]

see, i kept my promise.

Some "Finally" 's

2007-11-22T13:11:00.000-08:00

You know it's been a little longer than already too long when it takes you a good 30 seconds along with a drawn out 'oh, uh..' to remember your password to even attempt to write something down here.
But, now that I've gotten through the first obstacle, I think it may just be time to fill in some empty spaces, or at least that's how I picture it in my head.

Today will be a caps day, as well as a grammatically correct day.
If you see a grammatical error:
a) feel free to laugh at the fact that I missed it
b) bite your tongue and let me revel in my attempted perfection in the grammatical world

Did any one else know that the saying is "the bane of my existence"?Up until today, I was under the impression that it was "the pain of my existence".
It always catches me offguard when something that I thought was right, turns out to be incorrect, or requires a change to be made.
What a great spot for a segue.
However, I think I'll just leave that one to resonate on it's own.

I think it's time for me to repudiate any past theories I may have come up with, plans I thought were brilliant at the time, or things I've written, thinking that they have the potential to have a larger effect on situations than they really do.
I'm starting to come to terms with the concept that maybe we shouldn't try to have an effect on a situation, but rather, allow certain situations to affect us.
It's become apparent to me in the past few days that things can change in a matter of seconds. Certain things you witness can entirely change an otherwise solidified opinion, or perhaps the more correct way I could refer to said opinion is as an assumption.

I think I'll just leave this with some final thoughts.
Sometimes it's not about figuring things out,
or calling a truce,
or even finding a replacement for what was lost.
It's about being okay with not neccessarily understanding everything, acknowledging that you've tried to fix things, and then leaving it be.

I always feel like I need a closing comment.
Time to get over that.

of course i remember.

2007-09-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

i need to take a day off from life right about now.
i think i'll do that tomorrow.
done.

everything is a countdown, i've discovered.

1 month

5 minutes

11 months

2 hours

2 years

5 days.
scratch that, 4 days.

it's decision time all around.

time to take action on the things that i've been thinking about.

and, depending on outcomes, turn to my back up plans.

but really, in all honesty, i don't have very good back up plans,

because i always know exactly what i want, and if i don't get that then i have to scramble to figure out what else i could possibly want - because no one likes to not know.

which brings me to this week.

now the question is: back up plan or no back up plan,
because back up plans are never very good.
it's always just settling,
and no good ever seems to come from that.

i did this all in my own time,
and now that time seems to be running out maybe i'll stick with my deadline.
i'm not so sure i know what's best for myself this time.

this makes me happy.

worn me down like a road.

2007-09-15T19:12:00.000-07:00

dear me,

i think i might snap and say it all.

signed,
a very uncharacteristic side of me.

re: hello me,

keep your mouth shut
keep your mouth shut
keep your mouth shut.

-me.

i'm officially in love with a fictional character,
this could be a problem.

2007-08-31T22:08:00.000-07:00

"hot damn"

find a way to be okay with not being anywhere at all.

(i want a contrast)

"but it felt so real"

never what i want
never what i expect
never what i think i need

well, apparently i was wrong.

i'm leaving this very unfinished.

caught in suspension

2007-08-07T20:14:00.000-07:00

This Week's Playlist:
Elephant - Damien Rice
Do You Know (Ping Pong Song) - Enrique Iglesias
All The Fish In the Sea Are Stupid Sluts Anyway - Big Japan
Stay or Leave - Dave Matthews

wishing on 11:11 is more for the sole purpose of solidifying what you want in your own mind than actually expecting an outcome to be determined by a simple act of muttering a few words during an interval of 60 seconds.
parallel: santa clause is not real, sorry to burst your bubble. however, i still continue to lay out cookies and milk and carrots (for the reindeer) every christmas eve just for the sake of it. and possibly just for the satisfaction of knowing that my parents will have to eat them even if they don't want to because yes i will check for crumbs in the milk and count the fricken cookies in the jar if i have to.
why do my parallels always turn into a rant rather than make the point i originally intended them to make..

"i keep this as a constant reminder"
wow, those constant reminders tend to kick you in the ass on your way out the door if you know what i mean
why is it that we can never even begin to notice we're making a mistake until a long time after the fact

this was supposed to be a bit simpler than it's turning out to be
space
little details should not have this much impact
needing an outlet here, really

everything can get turned around by one simple action
i need to want something on my own, not have things pushed at me by my parents or anyone else
or, sometimes if i do want something, and then my parents try to push it at me..all of a sudden it's not so appealing anymore, in fact.. i downright want to get as far away from set idea as is physically possible,
kind of ruins it if you have something good going on

i hate the fact that all i'm doing is complaining,
and i've been trying my hardest to just overlook stuff that's going on inside this head of mine,
but i'm definitely missing that one joker card that trumps everything else,
..it would seriously come in handy right about now

university topic: co-ed floors, including co-ed bathrooms
thoughts, people?
you had better hope your towel doesn't slip on the way out

revelation:
i need to get a boyfriend or a new pair of heels,
either will do.

2007-07-25T21:53:00.001-07:00

it's always the same.

invincible, or something like that.

2007-07-04T19:20:00.000-07:00

patience.
follow-through.

"God, what's his face? Built like a beanpole, curly hair, runs away like a little bitch on a sailboat leaving nothing but a note for his girlfriend who cried and cried over him till the Fourth of July when she decided she doesn't cry over bitches on boats."
"Seth. His name. It's Seth."
"I know. I'm just doing that thing where I pretend I don't and I have to use a lot of descriptive insults to give voice to my inner pain."

sometimes catching someone's eye is the worst thing that can happen.
either they give you this look that you read way too much into,
or they try to convey something through that one look, and only on the rare occasion do you actually interpret it correctly.
guessing is fun, no?
no.

sometimes you just have to stop thinking.
and when i say you i mean me.
because that's really all i'm doing here.. trying to make things visual for myself
so here's to what i've been trying to do for so long..
stop thinking.
here comes an attempt to just leave it behind and take some chances.
i have a feeling this isn't going to work out so well..
that's kind of what i'm going for.

all it is is reassurance afterall.

i need some meaning i can memorize.

2007-06-26T18:13:00.000-07:00

first off:
i don't believe in capital punishment.
and i can't quite get my brain around how anyone could think that they have the right to decide the fate of someone's life.
we all have equal status, although that seems to be something that's generally misunderstood,
and how could anyone other than God even consider themselves to have the authority to make such an important decision as to whether a person will live or die?
all they are doing is taking away opportunity.

breathe.

ever just have one of those days where it seems like everything is going wrong?
when in reality so many things are working out in your favor,
but there's that one thing that's on your mind that just doesn't seem to be happening,
so you feel like the world is out to get you..
and then you burn your lunch and you make it into such a big deal that you could swear that the national guard would need to be called or something..
i really really hate being in that frame of mind.

and usually i like that one minute,
and lately i feel like the clock is just mocking me.
kind of feels like just a subconscious thing now,
but this wasn't supposed to happen to me too.
what's a (non-overused) synonym for damn?

the realization that you can't fix everything is inevitable,
at some point you just need to accept the fact that all you can do is
be there
listen
and occasionally listen to some death cab.

"it's ryan vs. seth"
-jv
in case everyone hasn't realized..
our lives are the oc,
more than /any/ of you may realize..

i drew a line

2007-06-08T18:07:00.000-07:00

I want you to tell me.

I want to lay outside on my roof in the rain.

I want to find that spark again.

I want to admit to something I never thought I'd say out loud.

I want to be determined that I am not going to settle.

I want to win the competition coming up.

I want to watch the sunrise, and know that it is enough.

I want to jump in the pool with all my clothes on at midnight.

I want to see the ocean from the window of a plane.

it's flawless.

2007-05-20T21:01:00.000-07:00

sometimes you just have to take a step back.

silence
silence
silence
hey
great timing.

anticipation, fireworks, new beginnings, stolen moments, questions, glances, and days and days.
constellation of frustration
an inch might as well be a mile

unknown

unsaid

yellow.

2007-05-15T18:18:00.000-07:00

"if this is giving up, then i'm giving up, giving up"

i need to stop second guessing myself
i need to stop second guessing my decisions
it's hard to believe that things are finally moving forward
(in one area at least)
time to keep the fingers crossed

stolen glances

(i'm tired of endings)
i like feeling safe
i like knowing i'm secure
half the fun is the risk,
but the initial feeling wears off soon enough

"all my resistance will never be distance enough"

simple as that

2007-05-02T11:23:00.003-07:00

I'm done.

Pin Your Wings Down (Copeland)

2007-04-30T18:58:00.000-07:00

It's time to get specific, without getting specific.

How long are we going to keep secrets for? We assume that they'll come out eventually, but you can never be sure. There's definitely no guarantee, even if you want one.
I've discovered that sometimes you have to decide whether things are worth taking a risk over What's hard is that when you think of taking a risk you usually imagine it working out in your favour, although alot of the time that's not the case. So is it /really/ worth taking the risk over?
There is a large possibility that nothing will ever come of it.
I think I made that decision a long time ago, and I'm sticking to it.

I seem to be lacking words alot lately, which may be the root of the problem.
It's so easy to assume that what you want is understood by more than just yourself. But how can it be unless you find the words? If you need to hear something then it would seem you have to make that apparent.
Except that's not an option, it's never an option
Or maybe it is, and I'm just not willing to accept that yet

Only time can ever tell,
but in the meantime I'm perfectly fine with being distracted. It's a good system I have going on here, and one that could work for awhile. Just keep me hanging on by a little bit, deal?
I like feeling safe
And I like taking a risk knowing I'm safe in taking it

Funny how I seem to find out information after the time period that it could have had an affect on me. Less decisions to make I suppose, and now more secrets. Where to draw the line..
Nevertheless, these next few months, and especially this next month, is going to be amazing

89, just thought you should know.

2007-04-11T18:17:00.000-07:00

suffice it to say,
we're leaving things unsaid

r o l l e r c o a s t e r

what happens when an indecisive person makes a decision that they can't help but make?
it scares me.
not the whole making the decision part, but it being unavoidable in general.
and trying to convince yourself otherwise seems like the only option,
until you realize that it's impossible to do,
and the decision was ultimately inevitable.
why is it that things can be so out of your control

heart over mind is what this is

and then we get our hopes up
and realize it
so then we try not to
so we think about not getting our hopes up
and that only makes us think about it more
which gets our hopes up even more
...vicious circle

please,
just
say
it

i hope something exciting happens tomorrow,
stop thinking about it
stop thinking about it

And not to say a thing tonight.

smiles all around

2007-04-02T13:59:00.000-07:00

i love days like this,
and yes i realize most people are in a weird funk when they blog which allows for very profound writing, and ultimately undecipherable writing.
However, I don't expect that kind of a mood to come very soon, things are good. So this is going to have to be a happy blog,
deal.

pussy cat dolls may be slightly slutty (understatement of the year?),
but they have some good concepts going on in their songs.. plus they're great to dance to.
(girls you all know you turn on 'don't ya' and dance around in your room in your underwear)
so, here's a little inspiration for all the ladies.
here's what you need to listen to:
I Don't Need A Man - Pussy Cat Dolls

i finished a puzzle,
finally.

thank you to africa for the help.. well.. alot of help to be honest,
i'm not very good at puzzles (from lack of experience, or just lack of talent perhaps)
but i finished it.
i'm quite proud of my accomplishment.

risks are hard to take
seems like they would be easy,
especially when you go over it in your head time and time again
and then you snap back to reality and realize 'when would i ever get up the nerve to do that'
i'm hoping that i do,
sometime
timing is everything i suppose
i think we all have bad timing,
how promising
well, here's hoping that i get up the nerve

it's the little things that matter,
and you've got that down pat.

love is a risky business

2007-03-17T19:41:00.000-07:00

Reading between the lines can be very challenging.
I try not to do it, but let's be honest here.. we all do. And - sometimes - it's necessary. Sometimes it can also just make things alot more complicated than was ever needed.
Not knowing things is frustrating.

I definitely had one of those days a little while ago where everything seems perfect. So many things could go wrong during the day, but when you're falling asleep you're still convinced that the entire day went your way. You even get the perfect sleep.
(I'm happy)
You wouldn't think being happy would be an accomplishment, kind of is though. Especially with what it relates to.
Hm.

Ranting is great, especially when few people know what you're referring to.
Mandie is not, in fact, going crazy.. no she does have her reasons, very good ones in fact, to be rambling like a mindless idiot.
And now she's talking about herself in the third person..
Great.

(Jackie puts Tim Hortons cup to her ear)
"Hey Mandie, I can hear the ocean!"
Mmhm.

So, why is it that I can look at everyone else and tell right off the bat who they like?
And then when it comes to me, I'm apparently completely oblivious?
I'd like some answers - because that's how i work.
I hate unanswered/unanswerable questions.
And i seem to ask alot of them.

Why is John Mayer dating Jessica Simpson?

Smiles give everything away.
I must stop having a face that shows whatever I'm feeling.
Or maybe it's a good thing?

you kind of make my heart skip a beat.

x = unknown.

2007-03-07T16:43:00.000-08:00

I am incredibly frustrated with math at this point.
I'm going into the arts, so why the heck do I need to consistently stress myself out with this subject? argh.
Life was so much easier in grade 8 when half of the math class consisted of playing around the world. I was amazing at that game. I miss it. Perhaps I'll plot to convince Mr. Templeton to scratch the Math Test tomorrow, and play around the world instead. Hooray for flashcards.

So, seeing as I have a bit of an inspiration to rant at this point, I think I'll just go with it.
First of all, msn is wrecking my typing skills. I now have to backspace and write "i" as "I" everytime I'm typing something that is actually of any substance, since msn destroys all existence of capital letters. At least I still spell words right.. if anyone still writes cool as 'kool' or even worse 'kewl', please stop doing so as of now. Trust me, it's for your own best interest, and for that of my sanity.

Destiny. Is there such a thing? Is it actually possible to have a person who you are destined to end up with, and if so, is it always the case that you will end up with them? I'd like to think so - I think.
They say that 'you are in control of your own destiny'. But doesn't that contradict itself in all entirety? Destiny is defined as "the inevitable" (yes I know, I'm a nerd), so how can we control the inevitable?
Secondly, if you are destined to be with someone, does that mean that they will be the person you love?

Relationships are a complete mystery.

Time to make a list.
Life goals perhaps? They will be random. Consider yourself warned.

go skinny dipping
produce a record
star in a popular film
win an oscar
meet adam brody
live in a dorm
finally find a band that andie hasn't already heard of, ugh
see a boy cry
learn to be mean when needed
ride a horse
take a road trip with jessica
finally watch casablanca
have the perfect day
go to europe
adopt a little girl from china
do new years multiple times in one night by flying around the world
sit on my roof with andie and watch stars
complete university
get married
get a bunny - name him waffles
get a teddy bear from a boy
buy a little red dress
jump into a pool with all my clothes on

I'm sure the list will continue.

I like mascara.

everything is antiquated.

2007-03-06T16:49:00.000-08:00

So, I now have a blog.
I can't decide whether or not this is a good thing.

First of all, I've discoverd that the 'would you rather' game passes alot of time when you're stuck in a car for..what was it..7 and a half hours? Although my dad still hasn't decided between Ellen or Oprah, I think the game was a success. And I'm incredibly surprised that I have not yet run out of things to talk about with Jess and Krista, considering I was with them for 20 hours straight?

Lately I've definately gotten back into the habit of making pro-con lists. Mock if you like, but I make them for everything. Wierd thing is..I can't decide if they actually help or not. I just keep making them, ah.

I have a question, do dreams actually mean something? Or are they just completely random? Answers, please.

Well, only two days til a March break full of movie nights, watching the OC, a concert, shopping, and wishing I was someplace warm.
And tomorrow I have to do my audition, scared? Yes.

I want a thunderstorm.